Joke Thread!Only good ones!

- Name?
*Abdul Rajim Sarafi
- Sex?
*Twice a week.
-No, no, no... male or female?
*Male, female... sometimes camel.
 
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. No further studies are expected
 
Disgrace the family

There was a young girl going out on a her first date and she told her grandmother about it.

So, the grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

"He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

"He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

"But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said.

"But," she said, "Grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family!"
 
best break-up letter

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky..............

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the fuck you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky
 
the parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little Perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "What happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this-how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak! both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "sssssssssssst,"
and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the he postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty,"
reported the parrot.

"Oh No!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
 
Sperm count

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried,
we still couldn't get the jar open." :D
 
awesome jokes guys keep em coming.!


A Southwest Airlines captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant
prepare for her first overnight trip.

Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place
for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route,
he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in
at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the
bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not
Disturb'!"
 
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Whew, Thank God! I thought you said, "Turn around"!
 
John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon
quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out
on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the
neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.
A few moments passed.
"An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later,
"Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle too."
 
> THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
> 8.30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday.
> 8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants - open
> presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
>
> 9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.
> 10.00 Light work out at club with sexy funny personal trainer.
> 10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.
> 12.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.
> 12.45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notices she has gained 17kg.
> 1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
> 3.00 Nap.
> 4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.
> 4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle
> hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
>
> 5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full
> length mirror.
> 7.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
> received from other diners/dancers.
> 10.00 Hot shower (alone).
> 10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen).
> 11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
> 11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
>
>
>
>
>
> THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM
> 6.00 Alarm.
> 6.15 Blow job.
> 6.30 Massive satisfying shit while reading the sports section.
> 7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked,
> buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler
>
> 7.30 Limo arrives.
> 7.45 Several Beers en-route to airport.
> 9.15 Flight in personal Lear Jet.
> 9.30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route).
> 9.45 Play front nine - 2 under.
> 11.45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon.
> 12.15 Blow job.
> 12.30 Play back nine - 4 under.
> 2.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Bourbons).
> 2.30 Fly to Cairns.
> 3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude who
> also bend over a lot displaying growlers.
> 4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle.
> 5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending over..
> naturally).
> 6.45 Shit, Shower and Shave.
> 7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; cannabis legalised.
> 7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak
> followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits.
>
> 9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as you watch
> match of the day; Brits beating Oz by 30 points
>
> 9.30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies... some bending
> over).
> 11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale.
> 11.30 A night cap blow job.
> 11.45 In bed alone.
> 11.50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to
> leave the room
> 11.51 Laugh yourself to sleep
 
Ikepen said:
Les Clous Wilson

Un jour, un dénommé M. Wilson inventa des clous super résistant. Étant donné son manque de savoir en marketing, il appela un de ses amis qui est dans le domaine du marketing et lui dit qu'il a inventé une nouvelle sorte de clous mais qu'il n'a aucune idée comment les mettre sur le marché et comment faire pour que le monde conaissent ses clous.

Alors son ami lui dit qu'il ne doit pas s'inquiéter et qu'il prendrait tout en charge.

Le lendemain, son ami rapelle M. Wilson et lui dit qu'une annonce jouera a TQS pendant bleu nuit le samedi. M. Wilson, tout satisfait remercia son ami.

Le samedi venu, M. Wilson s'installe devant bleu nuit et attend les annonces...la premiere annonce joue et ce n'est pas ses clous ... ensuite, la 2e annonce commence et il apercoit un vidéo de Jésus cruscifié sur sa croit tout saignant pendant que le message passe en défilé en bas : Les Clous Wilson...ça tiens en CRISS

Tout choqué, M. Wilson rapelle son ami le lendemain matin et lui dit ...mais voyons ca ne se fait pas, ma me faire critiquer par les groupes religieux....son ami avoue et lui dit que samedi une autre annonce pasera a Bleu nuit..

Le samedi suivant, M. Wilson s'installe pour bleu nuit et à la premiere annonce il voit...Jésus courir, tout couvert de sang, suivi par 2 romains.... c'est alors que le premier romain se retourne vers le 2e romain et s'exclame: Jte l'avait dit qui fallais utiliser des clous WILSON!!!
Click to expand...


hahahahahahah celle la ma faite pleurer pis jriais comme un con dans mon cubicule ^^
 
Redman said:
TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT ARE NOT IN THE OFFICE:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office,isn't:
1. It's not fair, I do all the work while he just sits there!!!


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT ARE NOT IN A LAW FIRM:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law, isn't
1. Think you can get me off?


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT ARE NOT IN GOLF:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk .
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:
1. Hold up a minute! I need to wash my balls first.
Click to expand...


hahahah had me cracking up in the library..
 
Guys are so sentimental


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today."
 
LES OTAGES
> >
> > Sur la 15 en allant vers les Laurentides, un gars est en voiture sur
> > l'autoroute lorsqu'il arrive à un bouchon de circulation. A un moment
> > donné, quelqu'un frappe à sa vitre.
> >
> > Le chauffeur la baisse et demande:
> > "Qu'est-ce qui se passe? "
> >
> > L'autre gars dit:
> > "Des terroristes ont pris MARTIN ET CHAREST en otage et ils demandent 1
> > million de dollars sinon ils les arrosent d'essence et ils jettent une
> > allumette dessus... Alors vous comprenez, on passe à chaque auto pour
> > ramasser des dons. "
> >
> > >Le chauffeur demande :
> > >"Et les gens donnent combien ? "
> > >"5 à 10 litres...ça dépend....... "
 
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